I should learn how to meditate. i need to just chill sometimes. too much drama, being the monkey in the middle when or maybe more to the left...is hard, on the monkey. i hope tomorrow goes well. i don't want to talk about ice skating. my head hurts. i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i think i will sleep all of sunday and spend the day in my dreams. (hopefully good ones and not scary/violent ones) although they may reflect life. in which case i might as well just wake up. waking up just may be scarier.



I AM NOT THE WORLD'S THERAPIST.

Senior cruise was okay, I have to admit it was a lot of fun getting dressed up and having people do your make-up and hair (thanks Maria and Tiffany :D ) but things began to go downhill fast after that, we got to chrissy's house and they were running a bit late so we all were a bit late and but we got there for the reservations :) Dinner took a long time. a very very very long time. They kinda placed us in a separate room since they corretly guessed we would be super loud, it took a really long time to even get our soup/salad/bread. then it took another 20 minutes to get our drinks and then 20 minutes after that we got our meals. and then maybe an hour later the guy came back to clear our stuff, it was just really slow, so when that was all done we waited about 30 minutes and then the waiter dude comes in and was like the machine was broken in the back so it'll take a little while for your bill. I think a half hour after that the dude comes in with the bill, and it's $200. Good thing we looked over it they charged us with 22 meals, and there were only 15 of us. so we had to figure out what we actually ordered and then we had to wait for him to come back to tell him the bill was wrong, so he went and then changed it again, and then he came back, and AGAIN the bill was wrong so we had to figure out what else was left or put on there. then the third time it was finally fixed...we spent three hours in that stinking restaurant. not happy about that. Senior Cruise wasn't too bad, it wasn't all that great either, but i'm glad i figured that out with a $35 instead of at Senior ball with a $70. I learned not so harshly, but enough that i'll remember if you're going to go to one of those things, you have to have a date or you have to like to dance, neither of which i had/liked to do last night. Atleast on senior cruise you could hang on the deck and watch the scenery go by. I didn't even go down to the dance floor because i just can't dance. but everwhere else was couple'sville. so it sucks to be alone! I was thinking about going to Senior Ball, but that's a no now. :) It just sucks because the people without dates went dancing, but i didnt' like doing that so i hung out on the deck, where all the couples were. I just don't think i'm cut out for these things. I'm tired of being alone. i want something different. i want a psychiatrist so i can get some feed back, but free is definitely better than paying someone to listen to me whine lol. I just need a couple of days. but it sucks when some revelation comes to you 15 minutes too late. "You want what you can never have" Amen sister friend.

I had the most horrifying dream last night. BUT i had a happy dream before that. We were in the garden of this mansion at night and it was all decorated for a night party there were lights and things strung up. Some how i was on the second floor balcony/deck of the mansion sitting looking down on everyone. I was wearing the one dress i own and just watching people and the swan ice sculpture. Everything was white and dim, thousands of faerie lights everywhere. Then suddenly to my left was Oliver James (the actor) and he asked me if he'd seen me before, but i of course said no since i don't know any famous people. so we shook hands and exchanged pleasantries. I guess we were talking and getting to know each other (it gets fuzzy during that part) and then suddenly someone else comes up and says he has to go...I was very sad and depressed since it was nice to have some one to talk to where you don't fit in (and it didn't hurt he was easy on the eyes) but he and the person that told him he had to leave left and as he walked through the garden out the gate he looked back and i waved sadly. (sounds like a cheesy story, but that's how i remember it! lol) .....then in a totally different episode probably about an hour later things got dark. very dark... i was in this apartment type kitchen with my mom and my dad and it was dark and small. I had this feeling like when you're on one of those drop zone rides and you're waiting at the top to fall, well i was waiting for something bad to happen, i knew it was going to happen, but i just froze and could not do anything but wait. And sure enough they came, there were two or three guys with guns that just shot up the place, before i could hide, some one grabbed me and forced me to get into the car at gunpoint. He made me drive to the library and then stop, at the library there were police cars already there, i had no idea what to do, i didn't want to move but i wanted the police to know i was there. It was so scary i could feel the cold metal of the barrel and suddenly my eyes just shot open and i couldn't go to sleep after that. Even in dreams it was so real, i was very shook up.

I saw some quote today that said something like a new year a new start...that's so fake. you can start "new" anytime you want to. there's no time like the present. what makes january first better than any other day to try to improve yourself? People should live for the day, not the year. I'm not a prime example of anything, besides a human being, but i try to live for the day, for the time i'm put on this planet and if you find something that you can change about yourself you should do it. just start now. it's so cliché to start something new on new years day and then drop it a week later, nothing is "okay" because everyone else does it. one should make an honest attempt at change or else there's no reason in starting it.