LoL....it's scary...I just went to a district meeting for Octagon today...in english? LoL, it's a meeting where the officers from all around the bay area come to meet and talk about how the club is doing in the different schools, at times it was boring, but the two leaders did a great job of trying to make it interesting. there were a lot of nice people there and it was good for me to get out :lol: most of the events I go to are with people from my school, and that's alright, but it's refreshing to go out and meet new people that are as positive as these people, so in that aspect, it was really enjoyable.

WOOOOOOOOAH had the weirdest dream last night....
I was in some hotel in las vegas with hot air balloon themes like floating and all that stuff...and then there's Milo with a reporter....so I asked my friend...i'm not sure who exactly, but i asked her who's the reporter with milo...and she didn't know either....then jump to gilmore girls...in my dream and rory and jess had some argument and then jess said something like "if you had asked I would have helped you, friends are there for each other and friends love each other" and then they both started to walk separate ways and he just kind of whispers "and i love you" and rory's like "WHAT?!" and jess is like "YOU HEARD THAT?!" (it's weird quoting my dream...) and then Rory turns around...with a smile on her face and starts walking towards jess and then they smile and hug....talk indistinctively and jess takes off his leather jacket and then puts it around rory and they walk off together...and then the shot pans to dean walking away dejected....LoL...it was weird..it was like i was really there and then I got that warm fuzzy feeling inside when jess and rory walked away together..it was like "ahhh now all is right in the gilmore girls world"
and then it fades and I remember waking up (still in my dream) but I was on some hill in san francsico, and it was night and aparently i was sleep walking, and i had patted my sweats, but no cell phone...so :( and I was flipping out, it was night, dark and I'm HORRIBLE with directions! I was freaking out so much, then I decided to walk and hopefully i'd find the house..not sure if i did, but eventually i end up inside again and then i'm at where cathy and lizi live, but it's not their actual house, but we start watching tv....and then i'm in the tv studio...and whew it was weird...and then back to gilmore girls...and jess and rory were just happy....and then I woke up...but at least I had that feeling like at the end of a cheesy movie when the two lovers that you wanted to be together were and none of them were dead...well i had that feeling..then the clock went off and I had to go take a shower. but it was really, i forgot some of it because it was early in the morning but there were a lot of ties to my life, like the no cell phone (my phone went dead last week when I needed it), gilmore girls, i really want jess and rory to be together...and ben was some how in there..i forget how but i remember how weird it was to have him in there....and i also had some abandonment issues too.

soooooo I took the practice test for the PSAT...hm i got a 55/80 on the verbal and writing and a 48/80 on the math...the average is 49...so i dont feel too bad...i hope i do well on the PSAT and the SAT...I just have to shape up a bit on math....i think i'm going to see tuck everlasting on saturday after the PSAT. darnit..i just remembered i have a test on monday. AARRRRRUUGHHHH ...and a math quiz which i think i'm going to fail. :cry:

massively crappy day. tiff was bawling during second and all through lunch becuase of ...i'm still not sure. I think it's at of everything, she didnt do too well on a test and then there are so many other things. i'm sure there's something she's not telling me. I'm not sure how to comfort her...and so life's not so great for her right now, and this week has sucked for me too and next weekend is PSAT...i am SO freaking out. I may study with chrissy. I need some happy thoughts. think I'm going to see tuck everlasting hopefully it'll be a good movie. I wish it was already friday :(
Maybe weather has something to do with this all, it has been warm and sunny ( a bit too sunny) for a while and today was the first day it has been overcast, and it was really dark all day until school was over. When I saw tiffany afterwards she said she was okay and she had a dry face so that was good :) she still hasn't told me why she flipped, I didn't want to ask because I didn't want to upset her any more.

List of things to do (in random order as of November 14, 2002):
1. Visit the United Kingdom (including Scotland) and Ireland (if not even england at least Scotland and Ireland 1/3/03
2. Have a boyfriend
3. Have a boy friend
4. Have a friend
5. Learn to surf
6. Do everything for myself for one day.
7. Go see Westlife live
8. Get close to a dolphin
9. Learn to watercolor
10. Go to College
11. Have something romantic happen to me.
12. See the Northern Lights

Why can't I know more scarcastic people? I know I'm a scarcastic person but sometimes I think know people don't get it and they just think i'm making a shallow/bitchy comment. I guess it's just my kind of humor...I get so annoyed sometimes when I have to explain it and they still don't get it, they just think i'm mean. With Carl he know's i'm being scarcastic or stupid and it's funny with him cause he's the same way..I wish I had more friends like him, I can be mean or whatever and either he agrees or knows i'm messing around, and it's totally cool. ...I find alex is like that too, she knows i'm just kidding and has my scarcastic sense of humor. but I think everyone else just thinks i'm mean most of the time. It's just frusterating, I've tried, but I really just can't change that, I will always make sarcastic comments! some of the time tiffany gets it...other times..uh no. and everyone else is just woosh it's way over their heads.

another thing....I feel lonely a lot now...tiff hangs out with her friends...they're kind of my friends too but their mostly hers. and I'm just kinda isolated. benny, charlie, jeff, janice and lilian...and I'm just kinda out...I try hanging out with them, and it's okay, but most of the time if i'm with them for too long, they get too "squeal-y" for me...it's annoying. They're all nice...but i guess I get annoyed easily...they freak about the smallest things...I mean somethings I don't like, but I don't squeal and screech...today I went to the creek clean up they're all squealing and giggling...Maybe I'm just no fun or something...but it somtimes ticks me off.
I hang out with tiff and chrissy during school, but after school I have no one to hang out with, I think that's why I'm a hermit. tiff always talks about how either janice or elisa and lilian and charlie/jeff/benny went out some where or did something. I just like uh huh, it's okay I don't want to barge into everything, but I don't know one time that tiff and I just hung out, not to do errands or something for school. I understand that more and more school is harder and harder...but not once? ...and it was like that a couple of summers ago when I used to "hang out" with carla, qiao, chrissy, janice etc. they all went to hecka movies and not once did I get invited.
So I am a hermit, is that why they don't ask me to go places? well the reason I don't go places is because no one invites me.
so truly what defines a friend?? people who care? How come I can't find more people who are scarcastic like me and have my sense of humor?? I just want to find someone even REMOTELY like me and i'd be thrilled. it just seems impossible. there's been a will yet no way. Even the people I do care about I wonder if I should tell them personal things because they seem to leave things out when talking to me, but not to others. because as of right now I feel like I couldn't tell anyone what I feel, what's happening to me personally and i couldn't cry to anyone. I have a personal connection with no one....maybe the closest would be al. I talked to her during the summer....with tiff there's still a weird barrier there though and I wonder if it will ever go down...i hope it does because if it doesn't i wonder how much longer we will be friends.
I felt left out today, they were all talking about junior prom and stuff and who's going to go with who and stuff...and they said we could go as a group and that's nice and all so i might go...and they were talking about how sometimes it's better to go without a date and all that stuff, but still it's nice to know someone cares about you or at least wanted to ask. ha. i don't think i'll ever know that feeling. that's why i have my doubts...if I go will i have fun? they'll all go and have someone to dance with and stuff, I'll just be sitting there and doing what? sitting. watching other people dance...i'd waste hundreds of dollars on a night of boredom. I might just go to an after party or something. but i guess you'll never know if you don't go and you only get this once. so I don't know yet. i just don't know.

all i want is a friend. is that too much to ask? maybe.