well it's christmas time again...and I went to a church service with my aunt and the pastor there said something that just really made sense to me...maybe it was something that i always knew, but he put it into words the best. The holiday season turns everything up. whether you're feeling great or whether you're feeling really bad, those feelings are greatly intensified. These past holidays I've felt that our "holiday" tradition is just falling apart...this year is no different. I haven't seen snow in such a long time...this past sunday though i went to downtown SF and pier 39 so that was good and i got to see all of the decorations. The fun just seems to be sucked out of the holidays for me, the past holidays I've always had some projects to do, some work to do something to stress over...this year it's my term paper (16 pages) and my drivers training stuff. which is plenty. maybe i'm just spoiled, i know i am, i've never had to worry about scrounging for money or saving and what not, which is an extreme blessing, and i'm very thankful and aware that many people do have to worry about it this coming christmas now more than ever with all the jobs lessing and companies going bankrupt. so I'm thankful that i have a warm place to say nice clothes and i don't have to worry about money...but I guess i'm just not a kid any more. maybe that's why i feel so down, i guess i'm just realizing that i have to "grow up". start driving, start leading my own life, I guess with most teenagers they want to start living their own life and everything, but i'm just happy here in my bubble. a bubble i have to break by myself. oh well life it happens. and you just have to go with it. I guess I still have my family tradition of eating with my family and opening presents. If we didn't do that i don't know what i'd do. i think i'd be really lost. I am thankful that i have my health, and that my family's together...and my family's together...i hope emily will be okay, this is the first christmas without her mother...if that ever happened to me i really don't know what i'd do. so i know i could be much worse. and i'm very glad they aren't.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. dude I soooooooo wish I had some guy friend. maybe that's what i need, I need things from a guys point of view. I guess Tiff's been having problem with Lilian and so now she comes to me. gee don't i feel special? so we had this long talk about life yesterday and then she kept talking about how in life these things will be so small, etc. and I'm thinking to myself, what is big? then I mean don't most people remember their high school sweethearts etc? so she goes and says she likes someone and stuff, and I told her to tell him, I never told ben because it wouldn't have mattered he was a year older than me, he's a senior now, i'm never going to see him again after this year and I haven't barely seen him this term! so that's lost. although i still do like him :) I just need a guy friend, some one I can talk to that's not a girl! right now they're irking me. I need to see some NEW people! people that don't already know "who i am" although do any of the really know? barely, I think Al, knows me the closest. I just need a C-H-A-N-G-E! ....change can be good and change can be bad, I'm always afraid of the worst outcome so I never take that chance, I should more often....so look where I am now, in the same place i was before.

i have a theory on how life correlates with a hampster and its wheel. I'll write it out later when I have the time.

LoL....it's scary...I just went to a district meeting for Octagon today...in english? LoL, it's a meeting where the officers from all around the bay area come to meet and talk about how the club is doing in the different schools, at times it was boring, but the two leaders did a great job of trying to make it interesting. there were a lot of nice people there and it was good for me to get out :lol: most of the events I go to are with people from my school, and that's alright, but it's refreshing to go out and meet new people that are as positive as these people, so in that aspect, it was really enjoyable.

WOOOOOOOOAH had the weirdest dream last night....
I was in some hotel in las vegas with hot air balloon themes like floating and all that stuff...and then there's Milo with a reporter....so I asked my friend...i'm not sure who exactly, but i asked her who's the reporter with milo...and she didn't know either....then jump to gilmore girls...in my dream and rory and jess had some argument and then jess said something like "if you had asked I would have helped you, friends are there for each other and friends love each other" and then they both started to walk separate ways and he just kind of whispers "and i love you" and rory's like "WHAT?!" and jess is like "YOU HEARD THAT?!" (it's weird quoting my dream...) and then Rory turns around...with a smile on her face and starts walking towards jess and then they smile and hug....talk indistinctively and jess takes off his leather jacket and then puts it around rory and they walk off together...and then the shot pans to dean walking away dejected....LoL...it was weird..it was like i was really there and then I got that warm fuzzy feeling inside when jess and rory walked away together..it was like "ahhh now all is right in the gilmore girls world"
and then it fades and I remember waking up (still in my dream) but I was on some hill in san francsico, and it was night and aparently i was sleep walking, and i had patted my sweats, but no cell phone...so :( and I was flipping out, it was night, dark and I'm HORRIBLE with directions! I was freaking out so much, then I decided to walk and hopefully i'd find the house..not sure if i did, but eventually i end up inside again and then i'm at where cathy and lizi live, but it's not their actual house, but we start watching tv....and then i'm in the tv studio...and whew it was weird...and then back to gilmore girls...and jess and rory were just happy....and then I woke up...but at least I had that feeling like at the end of a cheesy movie when the two lovers that you wanted to be together were and none of them were dead...well i had that feeling..then the clock went off and I had to go take a shower. but it was really, i forgot some of it because it was early in the morning but there were a lot of ties to my life, like the no cell phone (my phone went dead last week when I needed it), gilmore girls, i really want jess and rory to be together...and ben was some how in there..i forget how but i remember how weird it was to have him in there....and i also had some abandonment issues too.

soooooo I took the practice test for the PSAT...hm i got a 55/80 on the verbal and writing and a 48/80 on the math...the average is 49...so i dont feel too bad...i hope i do well on the PSAT and the SAT...I just have to shape up a bit on math....i think i'm going to see tuck everlasting on saturday after the PSAT. darnit..i just remembered i have a test on monday. AARRRRRUUGHHHH ...and a math quiz which i think i'm going to fail. :cry:

massively crappy day. tiff was bawling during second and all through lunch becuase of ...i'm still not sure. I think it's at of everything, she didnt do too well on a test and then there are so many other things. i'm sure there's something she's not telling me. I'm not sure how to comfort her...and so life's not so great for her right now, and this week has sucked for me too and next weekend is PSAT...i am SO freaking out. I may study with chrissy. I need some happy thoughts. think I'm going to see tuck everlasting hopefully it'll be a good movie. I wish it was already friday :(
Maybe weather has something to do with this all, it has been warm and sunny ( a bit too sunny) for a while and today was the first day it has been overcast, and it was really dark all day until school was over. When I saw tiffany afterwards she said she was okay and she had a dry face so that was good :) she still hasn't told me why she flipped, I didn't want to ask because I didn't want to upset her any more.

List of things to do (in random order as of November 14, 2002):
1. Visit the United Kingdom (including Scotland) and Ireland (if not even england at least Scotland and Ireland 1/3/03
2. Have a boyfriend
3. Have a boy friend
4. Have a friend
5. Learn to surf
6. Do everything for myself for one day.
7. Go see Westlife live
8. Get close to a dolphin
9. Learn to watercolor
10. Go to College
11. Have something romantic happen to me.
12. See the Northern Lights

Why can't I know more scarcastic people? I know I'm a scarcastic person but sometimes I think know people don't get it and they just think i'm making a shallow/bitchy comment. I guess it's just my kind of humor...I get so annoyed sometimes when I have to explain it and they still don't get it, they just think i'm mean. With Carl he know's i'm being scarcastic or stupid and it's funny with him cause he's the same way..I wish I had more friends like him, I can be mean or whatever and either he agrees or knows i'm messing around, and it's totally cool. ...I find alex is like that too, she knows i'm just kidding and has my scarcastic sense of humor. but I think everyone else just thinks i'm mean most of the time. It's just frusterating, I've tried, but I really just can't change that, I will always make sarcastic comments! some of the time tiffany gets it...other times..uh no. and everyone else is just woosh it's way over their heads.

another thing....I feel lonely a lot now...tiff hangs out with her friends...they're kind of my friends too but their mostly hers. and I'm just kinda isolated. benny, charlie, jeff, janice and lilian...and I'm just kinda out...I try hanging out with them, and it's okay, but most of the time if i'm with them for too long, they get too "squeal-y" for me...it's annoying. They're all nice...but i guess I get annoyed easily...they freak about the smallest things...I mean somethings I don't like, but I don't squeal and screech...today I went to the creek clean up they're all squealing and giggling...Maybe I'm just no fun or something...but it somtimes ticks me off.
I hang out with tiff and chrissy during school, but after school I have no one to hang out with, I think that's why I'm a hermit. tiff always talks about how either janice or elisa and lilian and charlie/jeff/benny went out some where or did something. I just like uh huh, it's okay I don't want to barge into everything, but I don't know one time that tiff and I just hung out, not to do errands or something for school. I understand that more and more school is harder and harder...but not once? ...and it was like that a couple of summers ago when I used to "hang out" with carla, qiao, chrissy, janice etc. they all went to hecka movies and not once did I get invited.
So I am a hermit, is that why they don't ask me to go places? well the reason I don't go places is because no one invites me.
so truly what defines a friend?? people who care? How come I can't find more people who are scarcastic like me and have my sense of humor?? I just want to find someone even REMOTELY like me and i'd be thrilled. it just seems impossible. there's been a will yet no way. Even the people I do care about I wonder if I should tell them personal things because they seem to leave things out when talking to me, but not to others. because as of right now I feel like I couldn't tell anyone what I feel, what's happening to me personally and i couldn't cry to anyone. I have a personal connection with no one....maybe the closest would be al. I talked to her during the summer....with tiff there's still a weird barrier there though and I wonder if it will ever go down...i hope it does because if it doesn't i wonder how much longer we will be friends.
I felt left out today, they were all talking about junior prom and stuff and who's going to go with who and stuff...and they said we could go as a group and that's nice and all so i might go...and they were talking about how sometimes it's better to go without a date and all that stuff, but still it's nice to know someone cares about you or at least wanted to ask. ha. i don't think i'll ever know that feeling. that's why i have my doubts...if I go will i have fun? they'll all go and have someone to dance with and stuff, I'll just be sitting there and doing what? sitting. watching other people dance...i'd waste hundreds of dollars on a night of boredom. I might just go to an after party or something. but i guess you'll never know if you don't go and you only get this once. so I don't know yet. i just don't know.

all i want is a friend. is that too much to ask? maybe.

grrrrrr this week has been SO tiring! :( I've had a math quiz on monday and then a phys. test on tuesday and then a lab report due on wed. and then tomorrow's another math quiz and on friday I have a second phys. test and then the friday summary due friday and I haven't understood the stupid homework for math all week! and I can't do bad...I got a 75 on the last test and uggh :( I don't even know what I did wrong! i thought I did well on this one :( and I had to make 2 cakes with tiff on tues. for a bake sale, and saturday I have to help at a car wash and I am SO tired right now, I was wondering why, but when I listed all of this it IS a lot :( two tests and two quizes, one lab report, one 300-400 wd. summary and then making and baking the cakes I wish this was more spread out, during the summer I'm usually bored but during the school WAAAAAAAAAAAAY TOO BUSY for my own health and my eyes are closing shut as I type this so I'm going to go now. I got up at 5:45AM to take a shower ...just another reminder why i take them at night.

right now my favorite lyrics.

LOVE SONG FOR NO ONE

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me


John Mayer

Promises: foolish to make one, foolish to keep one, foolish to break one, foolish to believe in one. just foolish.

Shane: Stay the same, its not worth it changing something you feel is an imperfection because thats what probably makes you. I also remember that during my sophomore year i felt like my lips where, i dont know, too pouty and now, everyone tells me how much they like them and that it sets me apart from other guys. And sometimes when you actually go ahead and have plastic surgery, instead of making yourself look better, you mess yourself up. So stay the same, people like you for who you are.

good info to keep in mind.

Party went well, we watched movies (AW2R, Jurassic park 3, shanghi noon, rush hour 2) movie fest, went to bed at 5:20AM I made pancakes and they made their own eggs. I don't think I have done that many dishes in my life. I was always doing dishes pots, bowls, plates, cups, utensils, pans, racks. EVERYTHING! LoL but it was worth it, I had a lot of fun, I need to do it more often just for fun. :D

I may start drivers training classes soon, Auntie Karen has given me some places where you can do it at home so I don't need to be driven! :)

Mom had a wonderful time and dad's coming back tomorrow from AZ, and staying here sat, but flying out sunday. and then coming back thursday and then we go to AZ for vacation as a family...I'm not too sure about this whole thing I'd rather go to canadia, meet canuckians, eat timbits and pelt stale ones at carabou. right now it's only mom and me in the house, Jamie went down to LA to help a friend move so she's staying there until saturday. it's kinda weird having two people in the house. Kinda but not really i guess, I never know if Jamie's here or not any ways, she's either napping or not here, and dad usually is downstairs when I'm up stairs and vice versa... I'm just usually holed up in my room anyways. I love my computer! :)

Random note: my nails are purple. all except for my left thumb, that one got messed up.

Okay things are gravy now...dad just uses the puter in the guest room. Tomorrow night I'm having a what started out as a sleep over now seems to be just tiff and I celebrating my birthday. it's actually quite depressing to think about it....I invited Chrissy and Janice and Alex. I was never sure about chrissy and janice, chrissy told me straight up that she didn't think she could stay over, but it took years for janice to respond. I kept on asking her she said she would ask her parents, but that never seemed to work out...I guess she couldn't even stay the day...but she could spend the day with linda. oh well. and Chrissy doesn't even think she can stay the day...oh well. I went to her birthday party. oh well. Alex was a good to go...up until today apparently, she got grounded and might be able to make it...might not. I kinda know her parents, and I think her parents like me so since it's me they might let her go, but it's really iffy now...I'm trying not to think about it because it really is depressing. none the less...I have a happier story to tell also.

I really do have a wonderful family, all over. I always knew this, but this is the first time I've seen it truly in action. My mom's been gone to Canada and everyone knows that so they've all been helping out. If my mom were here she's probably get us pizza and a cake and make dinner as usually etc. but since she's not my aunt's picking me up a pizza and my cousin's making me cream puff's instead of a cake because I've never made them and she said they're really easy to make so that's her half gift to me. :) Auntie Karen also let me stay over her house for three days while mom was gone and took real good care of me and I had a fun time with the boys. She also bought us tamales for our dinner which'll last us a couple of days. :D It's been really wonderful to know to be reassured that I do have a wonderful family that truly cares for me and my family.

Tonight I learned I the type of person who doesn't do something unless I have to like really have to. Tonight I did the laundry and washed my own dishes and cut up carrots and celery for my "party" and dried and put away the dishes and folded up the laundry. All stuff mom would normally do or i'd ask her to. But since she's not here it wouldn't have gotten done otherwise, it was weird I didn't complain about it at all...when push comes to shove I'll do what needs to be done.

I feel like crap. I dunno, I kinda got in to a small fight with dad. He was on my computer and I told him I wanted to use it after I came out of the shower because of this stupid science project. It's making me moody. I know he has a habit of not getting off when I ask him to, so I started to tell him, and he kept on talking louder than me while I was talking so I kept of tapping him consisitently. and he's like stop hitting me! Gr. Needless to say, he got off before I came back. I think I'm only slightly stressed about this because last time this happend was near Christmas time (during Christmas break) and I don't know if it was that or near end results that needed to be made but he was very cold towards me for a while. I hope it isn't like this again. I have a headache and I want to go to sleep. It's been so stinking hot here, I hate it. I'm a winter person.

My day was going pretty well until tonight. Here's what happened earlier today: with snow-cone dude (A.K.A. Taylor Fout...I was thinking about it and that name seems so familiar to me...too bad he's a senio :( )
I got there this morning and was waiting on the ramp like I usually do because Mr. Del never gets there early, except sometime on test days. He usually comes around 8:10. So I was looking down by the other portibles watching for Mr. Del, when to my surprise (kinda) I see Taylor. He comes walking down ..with BARE FEET!, dude there's old rusty nails (from the shops next door), glass (random bottles) and hecka rocks! He's there searching through his backpack and and going "oouch glass. Man Mr. Del isn't here yet?" Me, being the smartass I am (LoL) was like "Mr. Del is never here before 8:10" and he's like "Oh well, can you give some thing to him for me?" I was like sure, then he hands me this packet of like 7-8 pages of all geometry homework he's like "This is extremely important this must get to him. This is decides wether I graduate or not..." etc. I was like sure this will get to him. Says thanks and leaves. When Mr. Del finally arrives, I give him the packet, and Mr. Del goes, "Heh, wow, he actually did all of the work!" I dunno I guess Mr. Del either though he was never going to do it or it really wasn't all that important. The world may never know.

Yesterday I went to Michelle's house to work on the science final project. Michelle's a part of the popular azn clique, although she's a cool one. So's Peony and Eveline. Helen and Maytak are nice...and Janice I'm civil with, the rest of the I have noooo idea who they are. Michelle and Peony are in the group and we were kinda of bored of working, so Peony and Michelle decided they both wanted to see Sum of All Fears and they invited me (they didn't want me to feel left out). I thought sure they're cool and I was up for seeing a movie. My parents would be cool about it. So Michelle decided to make some calls for rides etc. That took a while because everyone was some where different and with finals coming up there a lot of people that had a lot of projects and homework. The more people she started calling and the more I started to kinda recognize them and they were all a part of that popular clique. I was thinking about it more and if it was just the three of us I would have gone no problem, but then I realized it was more of a group gathering and I know I wouldn't have anyone to talk to because they all knew each other and I was just a third wheel. I declined because of that reason and because Michelle was having an interview at Baskin Robbins at 7:30 and the movie was at 8, I couldn't just stay at her house until 8. Part of me would really have liked to go, if I had know at least some one else. I kinda really wanted to go. :( Oh well you live and learn.

At her house it was kind weird, I was really uncomfortable, I didn't know what to do. In science class everything is so relaxed, but I dunno I kinda freaked out, she was cool/dorky as always, Peony got there at like 1:30 and they're much closer friends than I am with either of them, but they made sure to clue me and talk to me so that was nice. :)

And on Thursday night I hit both of my feet on the stupid guest room's desk. On the desk there's a low shelf right above the floor where you can put your feet, the edges are sharp. I wanted to roll out so that I could talk to Mom, so I tried to push away with one foot, the chair was kinda stiff and hard to roll, and my foot was conviently under that shelf so it finally rolled out and when it did, it hit the top of the shelf...hard. Now, I had this cut and scrap and large bruise on my left foot. I screamed held my foot, went to the bathroom, cleaned it off and put on a bandaid. So I was very mad hurt and I went back to playing my frogger game on the computer. I thought my dad called me again and me being smart...very smart, instead of using my injured left foot I used my perfectly good right foot to push out and...yupp you guess it....I did the same thing, twice as worse and to my now right foot. So for the past 3 days I have been wearing my flip-flops (which are very comfortable by the way) and walking around very gingerly. I have a small cut on my left foot and a bigger one on my right. I hate this.
I had my flip-flops on and Mr. Del was like hey! you're wearing slippers and then I was like did you see my feet?! and I told him the whole story and he was just cracking up about how I had done it twice. From that point on I just told people I hit the desk and let them think I did it once and hit both feet at the same time. gr.

I saw the guy again (sno cone/not enough change guy) but I think he is going out with Chrissy. Oh well he was just nice. No hard feelings like some one else who will go un-named (*cough*ben*cough*)

Victor wanted me to take this drivers ed. class with him and I probably would have if it was in the summer or at least not so close to finals. I have so many projects and papers. I'm also horrifed to drive the car. I am sooo horrible at multi-tasking and I'm afraid I'll crash...also goes in that catagory of "Beginning of Life Crisis..." (read entry from 1/5)

Dance-Overall very bitter experience.

Part I: The preparations
Tiffany and I left the battle of the bands early to help decorate. We didn't really do anything because Russ and Mr. Tobin were in some sort of meeting. So for about 5 minutes we were just hanging out, then Russ showed us bags and bags of balloons. Balloons that we had to blow up...ourselves. I couldn't tie the balloons so I was stuck blowing them and I got not really light headed, but I got a headache afterwards and for the rest of the time (till 5:45) I felt like crap....Decorating wasn't so bad tho...

Part II: The party
I got there at 9 when my shift started where I had to pay $3 to get in. to work. Right of the bat I didn't want to be there. My shift was from 9-10, but I knew I was going to work until the end because I had no plans to dance and I had to say until the end because I had to pick up everyone else's christmas lights. I guess I could have gotten there early but I'm still pissed off that I had to pay to work when I didn't sign up he "pulled random names." sure. We didn't even get to go inside the gym, we were outside in the hallway by the weight room and girls locker room.
When I got there, Jackie was there for the first 20 minutes then she left to go dance and Mia and Genny took over, they were fun but at 10 they left. The very stupid people at Safeway Select decided to have some contest advertised on ever frickin half of the can. Which means every half of the can looks the same, when they're in a ice chest under water and ice they all look blue. When some one wanted a specific flavor we had to dig through the whole flipping chest to find what they wanted. After 30 seconds in a chest your hands get extremely cold and numb, the fun part is when they start to thaw and the feel swollen. People came in large groups so we'd be scrambling for about 10 mins and then next 15 I'm just standing there. Daniel came for about a total of 10 minutes and then I was by myself. Good thing I stayed because the person that was suppose to work was suppose to find a replacement because he didn't want to work but his replacement never showed up anyways. During a frenzy, we ran out of quarters and all we had were bills, (sno cones and sodas were $.50 water was $1.00) hecka people didn't have quarters and neither did we. I was rushing to get orders filled; get sodas out of the ice chest and pour syrup on the ice (side note: cherry syrup stains even my hand...don't even try it Al) and this one dude gave me a dollar right when I figured out we didn't have any more quarters. I was extremely stressed and I didn't know what to do, I couldn't leave to get change or nothing, so he very kindly asked if I could remember his face and if he could come back later to get something. (He had a cute face not all too forgetable plus he had an eyebrow ring, that's pretty defining) I said sure, he was very nice about it. Definently the highlight of my night. So until 11:45, I was dealing with stupid people and no one else to help me. After Daniel left, Ms. Campfield helped me tho which was good because I would have killed Daniel if I was there by myself. The nice guy finally came back to get another sno cone, and I was like yay! (not outloud, I'm not a psycho.) and I think he goes to this school, I dunno he was with Chrissy (the blond that goes out with Josh) well He said thanks and some other stuff. :) Oh yeah and there was a fight right in front of me. It's pretty intense...They were definanly swinging, and aparently there was on there right before I got there because there were police cars and someone was getting arrested.

Part III: the after party
I said I had to stay late to get everyone's christmas lights, so I did. The bar was a mess, it was so watery because of all the water that slowly spilled out as I was pulling out the sodas and waters and was really sticky from all the syrup. We only had napkins and no towels which was a serious pain in the ass. It was just a big mess. and Daniel came back for the clean which was really nice. I finally found all of my stuff and called to get a ride home. I called twice and no one answered not even after I left a message, it was seriously scary at night at school, it was pretty dark and there were some fights already and probably some psychos...I didn't want to be left at school, but I went out into the parking lot and thank goodness my dad was already waiting for me.

My keyboarding teacher did bring in some chocolate brownies (no nuts), and white chocolate chip cookie bars AND milk! She's really great and all the sweets were wonderful.

Nothing new in life, SAT prep class, I'm getting slighty better. On this test I only got a couple wrong and most of the ones that I thought I didn't know how to do I did well on!!! YAY!

This is kinda old news, but I got a new cousin! Just visited my aunt in the hospital. Braden Matthew Wu. He was tiny, of course Erin was there and she was running around like a mad women. One of the few times I've seen her actually be active, I usually see her when she's getting up from her nap and she's all groggy and grumpy. I guess she's been doing okay with the new baby, but of course it's only been two days, LoL. Everyone's healthy so that's good. :D

So I haven't seen him since, I may see him tonight because they MIGHT becoming over. I haven't seen any of them since that night, we had planned 2 b-day celebrations for her, but neither of them have worked out, tonight's the third and we don't even know if they're gonna come. It all depends on the new kid.

Wow I'm growing up.

On Thrusday I'm went to a little SAT Prep class. I hate those thing, I was horrified, there were only 2 other people there and both guys. Nick and Nic. Oh boy, did I ever feel left out. Nic had taken the actual SAT and Nick had taken the PSAT. Me? I hadn't taken anything. After I got over the dread of being in Mr. Lebe's room I had the dread of feeling stupid, uck. I'm just not good at taking those things, that's why I'm taking the class. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *insert larger scream here*
Verbal prep was suppose to start today. Suppose to.
I went to the teacher's class and she was there, but there was no one else, so I just signed up and she told me to come back next class and we'd start then. So that was fine because I got a note earlier today saying that Mom would be home at 3:30, so I called at 3:25 (front of school packed) and left a message. I wait (front of a few less people). and wait (front of school slightly starting to thin). and wait (front of school thinning dramatically). and wait(front of school =5 people). and wait(front of school=3 counting me). and you get the idea. I wait until 3:45 and I call again. I wait. and at about 4, Jamie finally calls me back saying that she's going to pick me up (front of school =me. only.). So I was getting slightly nervous, only me. That was quite creepy. Jamie finally comes at what seems like another hour but is really 20 minutes which is long enough. It turns out Mom was sleeping and didn't hear the phone nor get either of the messages. I know I don't usually appreciate Jamie, and some times she's a jackass, but most of the time she's willing to give me rides and that's very cool. (Quote me on that now because I will probably never say that ever. ever. ever. again)

A couple of days ago, Mom took Grandpa to the doctors and he wasn't doing too well. His heart is getting weaker because he's getting older and because of that there is some fluid getting into his lungs. It was a pretty big thing because Wednesday he went to the hospital to get the fluid out. I got the word that today he's doing much better, they gave him some medicine which helped him get the fluid out so he's feeling much better. That's good because something happened where my grandpa forgot to bring his medicine to the first Dr. appointment and he somehow blamed my grandma and in her religon the husband is always right. I can't say that I agree, but it's what she believes, that also lead to an argument between her and my mother a couple of weeks ago. My grandma thinks that because she didn't pray grandpa was getting sick and he was yelling at her. My mom strongly disagrees with that and Mom started to lose her temper with grandma which, got them into a fight, which left my mom veeeery stressed, as if she wasn't enough already. I feel so bad for Mom, she has stress at work and she definantly has stress with grandma and with grandpa now in the hospital. Plus she doesn't get much sleep normally. She handles it so well, I look up to her for that.

I have had a massively busy week. Me being me I sleep at usually 9:30 or 10:00. On Wednesday I went to a Sharks game, first playoff game for them against the Phoenix Coyotes. In which they won 2-1!!! Great job Sharks! Although I was really tired because I didn't get home until 11:45. Then on Thursday I went to the school play because it was half off that day. I also had that SAT prep class on Thursday, so I got home at like 5:15, and the left to go to the play at 7:00. The play was three hours and didn't start until 10:45, Tiffany's dad took the long way home and I didn't get home until 11:00. I usually sleep at 10 at the max, my body was not used to working over time, this weekend couldn't come any sooner. I definantly need some rest.

Today I was in keyboarding class when my teacher calls me over. She tells me that she notices that I do some extra work around the class and I make an extra effort to help out. I thank her and I figured that was it and said thanks for noticing. Then she tells me that she wants to make me some thing for doing that! HOW SWEET OF HER! So she asked me what kind of cookies I liked and I told her anything without nuts. So she's going to bake me and my friend Stella some browies without nuts for just turing off the monitors in the class. It's really not that strenious of a job, you just push the buttons! And once again me being me, I LIKE pushing the buttons! I don't think I've had such a personal teacher since elementary school, that cared and would bake stuff for her students! I'm still mazed and that happened this morning! That was definantly a highlight of the day.

"So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinkin' of
If tomorrow never comes."

Easier said than done.

...that smiling thing...it's done and over with, most days it's just too hard.

Smiling

I've found that I hardly smile, outside of being with my friends. I'm now making a semi-concious effort to smile more often. "Never frown because you never know who's falling in love with your smile." Sounds like a bunch of BS but hey it looks good.

Saturday I went "shopping" with Al, we went to Marina Square, we spent like 45 minutes in Old Navy, she bought a shirt and a pair of PJ pants. Then we went to Starbucks and I had my third Frappachino ever. I am deprived of coffee because my mom freaks out if she even thinks I drink coffee. Which is why I can remember ever time I've had one.
1. Family went outlet shopping in Vacaville and Uncle bought me my first one. (fall of 1998)
2. Dad and cousin and me in a car on the way to Lake Tahoe, stopped 3/4 of the way there and dad bought one. Dad's cool and doesn't freak because I tell him it's not a regular thing. (Around Memorial Day 2001)
3. Shopping with Al (March, 2, 2002)

I have a sad life, the hightlight of my day is a cup of coffee. Sad yes I know. Haven't talked to him in forever....since finals. Sucks.

I wish I had more guts I really do. I really am trying to make a concious effort to smile...It's sad when your muscles get sore from one smile because you haven't in such a long time.



See? even the Brain knows how to smile! :D

Wow...It's been awhile since I've posted...nothing really too new. Al downloaded the movie for me..she totally rocks....Mr. Del's class hasn't taken the place of second period, I don't think anything ever will.

Whoo hoo! Found my book AND my soundtrack. Went to Union City and to Borders to get my book and then to Best Buy to get my CD. CD is mainly rock...book is less cheezy than the movie but I still love it! :D
School's going alright, I dunno...It still it weird not having second period any more, maybe first block with Mr. Del will make that a little bit better maybe not.
I think Tiffany and I are having some problems, I dunno I just can't seem to do anything right. Maybe it's just my personality... if so I can try to change and she can try to change...but it'll probably pass. She may just be tense because her cousins are here from Tawain.

P.S. I had RAW fish today! MUAHAHAHAHA. Don't get it? Read the very first entrie.

Went to an early Chinese New Year dinner tonight with Auntie Kathy, Uncle David, Auntie Pam, Uncle Wilbur, Erin, Auntie Pam's parents, Mom, Dad and Jamie. Erin was waaaaaaaay fussy tonight, but when is she not? We went to a different resturant besides Mr. Fong's it was alright, tons and tons of food.

Before I went to the restaurant, I went to help with the set up for the crab feed at the Boys and Girls Club. I helped serve last year and I don't I'd do it again, but this year for the set up some of my friends were there so it wasn't as bsd because for the serving I didn't know anyone. and that sucked. During the set up I talked with Tiffany (of couse) and after I talked with Charlie, Jeff and Benny. Charlie and Jeff are a bit on the weirder side and Benny is annoying but fun to debate with. So I did that for an hour after we were all done.

I also went shopping with Mom to Standford Shopping Center. Wow things there are very expensive muy muy upscale. Mom went to Bloomingdales for a Saturday sale to buy Auntie Kelly some good knives and we also bought towels. I STILL haven't found the book A Walk To Remember NOR the CD SOUNDTRACK! GEEZE WHAT'S WITH YOU PEOPLE? WHY WON'T YOU CARRY THE FRICKIN SOUNDTRACK? I'VE SEEN EVERY OTHER SOUNDTRACK EXCEPT THE ONE I WANT! HELLO!!!!!!!

The chicken side of me is coming out, but you can't blame me, he was talking to a girl. If he was looking like a loner with no one to talk to I'd go to talk to him, but he'd never look like a loner, does that mean I'll never talk to him? maybe.

Anti-socialist Me.
Am I anti-social? Maybe. I just like my privacy and I don't like people to know things about me unless they really want to know. I had some problems with people in middle school. Today was first day of the new term all new classes. Which means in every flippin' class I had to do some sort of "meet the person next to you" crap. I hate doing that, it's not that I'm anti-social so much as it's I don't want to tell people about me if they don't give a flyin nut, if they do then it's all okie dokie but 99.9% of the time nobody does.. I can't stand doing all that and I'm glad it's over.

I have a massive headache my computer is really slow right now, I think it's because of the weather. The weather's really cool right now. Literaly. LoL Mom and I went to COSTCO and right when we got into the parking lot it started to hale! When we were inside it got REALLY heavy and then when we got outside it went back to heavy rain. When we got to the car, the trunk had about a half an inch of ice from the hail on it! The ground was all crispity and crunchity from the ice and the ground was white! It looked like snow! It's probably the closest I'll get to seeing snow in San Leandro. It was the highlight to my bad day. You know what sucks more than the teachers? I pass by Him in the hall and I can't be in any of his classes. durnit. durnit all to heck.

I JUST SAW "A WALK TO REMEMBER!" They're right, you might need a hankey, Al and I shed a couple of tears. LoL We missed like the first 10 mins. which is why I might drag Tiffany to it anyway. It was a good movie! I loved it, it's like my perfect fanfiction LoL. Rides got a little confusing in the beginning seeing as how Al was 20 minutes late becaues she got some bogus directions and couldn't call me (I live in a dead zone). But once that was over it was all good and she got me a dolphin! LoL It's this huge AND I LOVE IT! THANKS AL! You're the greatest! I really do love that movie!

Tomorrow I'm going to see a walk to remember with Alex. I was going to go with Tiffany and Alex, but she didn't ask until earlier today and found out that she couldn't go. I'm kind of cheezed off. I know I've left her a couple of times before, but she does this a lot to me right before. We've had this movie thing planned since last week and she only asked today and finds out she can't go. A lot of times it's like that where she can't go right before. Whatever I'm sure I'll get over it by tomorrow. Eh I'm just cheezed off because I really wanted to see this movie with her and also on the line, but she couldn't for that one either. It's probably better with Al because she knows my obsession with it LoL (Hi Al!)

Plus I have a fat pimple on the right side of my mouth on like the exact spot so that I can't open my mouth that wide. grrrr hurts when I talk too. My Aunt and Uncle are over right now, they're talking about insurance and my bratty cousin who is almost 2 and has a mind of her own. They probably think I'm being rude or anti-social or both either way I don't give a flyin' nut.

Hopefully I'll get some cute nice guys in my new classes! :D I get my schedual on monday.

GEEZE IT WAS SOOOOO STINKIN' COLD TODAY! Yesterday it was slightly cold in the morning and warmed up a little in the afternoon, I didn't bother to put on my jacket. Today was STINKIN' COLD ALL FLIPPIN' DAY! I was sooo freezing today!

I need to talk to my councler soon, I need to change out of my math class. My friends say that he's only good if you know what you're doing. That I am not.

3 days left. Today I was actually being nice. Good for me. *pats myself on the back* He was cool today. Miya was talking about how some fish dude told her sister to buy some cheap fish and let them die so that algee would grow on them, and we were talking about how messed up that sounded and stuff and it came up again. He won't let it alone that I actually eat raw fish. I do. LEAVE IT BE! LoL He was like you know what Teri would do? She'd take them out of the tank and EAT THEM RAW!

I think I did alright on my presentation, probably not an A, but higher than a C.
Today my mom was asking me about if I ever hid report cards or anything that would make my sister look bad. She grilled me. I didn't tell her everything I know or knew. But I'm trying my hardest to stay out of anything. It sucks to be the woman in the middle. Especially when you need to be loyal to both sides, why can't life be like a cheeze fiction novel?

Man I'm stressing. I have a presentation tomorrow at 8:05AM. I still need to write an introduction for the acutal written report. Also in 8 days I have my spanish final oral report. It has to be at least 2:30 minutes long. I'm absolutly horrified to stand up there and talk, by myself for 2:30 minutes. Both other times I have had someone else up there by my side, but this time none. ACK!
On a sadder note, we get Monday off. 5 days left. but that's the way life is, things happen and then you dwell for a bit and move on. Move on.

Suddenly he's leaving
Suddenly the promise of love has gone
Suddenly ... breathing
Seems so hard to do

Can't believe you planned it
I got to know just a minute too late
Now I understand it
All the times we made love together
Baby you were thinking of her

Why do I love you
Don't even want to
Why do I love you like I do
Like I always do
You should have told me
Why did you have to be untrue
Why do I love you like I do
Why do I love you like I do
Ooh

Ain't gonna show no weakness
I'm gonna smile and tell the whole world I'm fine
I'm gonna keep my senses
But deep down when no-one can hear me
Baby I'll be crying for you

Why do I love you
Don't even want to
Why do I love you like I do
Like I always do
You should have told me
Why did you have to be untrue
(love you like I do)

Why do I love you like I do

Can't go back
Can't erase
Baby your smiling face
Oh no
I can't think of nothing else but you
(Else but you)
But you

Why do I love you (love you)
Don't even want to
Why do I love you like I do
Like I always do
You should have told me
Why did you have to be untrue
Love you like I do
(Oh I do)
Like I always do
Why do I love you (love you)
Don't even want to (want to)
Why do I love you like I do
Like I always do
You should have told me
Why did you have to be untrue
Love you like I do

Why do I love you like I do

Love you like I do
Like I always do
Love you like I do
Like I always do
(Why do I love you)
Love you like I do (love you)
Like I always do (want you)
(I do, it's true)
Love you like I do
Like I always do
(Why do I love you)
Why do I love you
Don't even want to

(repeat to fade)

Westlife-World of Our Own
Why Do I Love You?
(Jörgen Elofsson/ Per Magnusson/ David Kreuger)

First of all, I finally got my CD'S on the Monday I went to school. THEY ARE GREAT! I LOVE the Westlife one! My fav right now are Bop Bop Baby and Evergreen. Enya cd will help lower my stress level I think LoL perfect cd to do projects with. And last but not least, my Charlotte Church I love her voice. GREEEEEEEEEAT CD's!
After over 2 months, we FINALLY changed seats. And Luck was finally on my side! I sit one seat away from him, so at least my last days with him I will be close to him. :D I am sooooooooooo stoked! I actually had a dream with him, probably because I was hoping soo much that I could sit next to him. It was weird, I was a some school, not SL, but a school and it was really dark outside and I needed a ride and I just happened to find him. He was driving a black SUV like an expidetion, so I was about to get a ride home with him, when Mom showed up and started yelling at me in the hall about how I wasn't where I was suppose to wait for her and I wasn't at home either. After we got that all sorted out I begged her to let him take me home and she said yes. I got in the car and that was the last I remember. But Mrs. Lizmer called out his name and I'm like PLEAAAAASE let me be by him, it was unlikely because it was him and only 3 seats after him then she called my friend's name and then...MINE! I was like alllllllright! :D So I get to sit by my friend and him. Muhahahaha.
Today he was begging around for candy and I happened to have a bag of crispy M&M's with me so when he asked I offered but he's like awwww never mind. Then he wanted a change for a $5 and so I had to count out 8 quarters because I only had 3 bills, from my wallet while looking like I was paying attention to the book because where I sit now, she's RIGHT in front of me. I'm just glad I didn't get in trouble. Thank goodness! But at least we get to talk :D That sooooo rocks. I am sooooo stoked right now!!!

I just saw WESTLIFE ON TV! WHOOO HOO! That has never happened before because they are popular like everywhere else around the world...except here and I was flipping through the channels and stopped at BBC America because it said the Top of The Pops was on so I started to watch and in the last half hour I saw Westlife! The preformed Queen of My Heart! ahhhhhh Mar is such a hottie he's enough to make you melt into a gooey puddle! :D LoL Also a band called Travis played a song called "Here Comes The Sun" and dedicated to George Harrison. It was nice. 9 days until I have to present. and 19 days until A WALK TO REMEMBER COMES OUT TO THEATERS! I am sooooo making an effort to see that one, and drag Tiffany or Al with me! :D Both of them are not too fond of cheezy plot lines. MUSHAHAHAHA gotta call Ro monday...gotta make it short because i'm calling from the cell. It's cheaper..it just is. OOH AND my cd's got shipped and they should be here Monday! Technically they should be here today, but since mailworkers don't work Sunday, I'll come tomorrow. I DUN WANNA GO BACK TO SCHOOL TOMORROW MOMMY DON'T MAKE MEEEEEEEEEEEE!
:( and one last last thing. SOME ONE GAVE ME FEEDBACK ON MY STORY! I finally got my lazy butt up and started a story, And Donna, such a nice person gave me some feedback on it! :D If you want to read it, it's here! please visit and sign the guestbook or send me an email! Much obliged.

Beginning of Life Crisis.

I think I'm having a "beginning of life crisis". People have mid life crisis when they are like 40 or 50 and realize that they need to feel young again and all that. I'm 15, I think I'm having a crisis similar to that, I realize that I'm in a way loosing my childhood, I have the rest of my teenage years and the rest of my life to look forward to and all, but that's what's distressing me so much. During this holiday season, I realized that things will never be the same, at first I blamed it on moving to a different house, but last night I realized that it wasn't me physically moving, it was me moving on with life...and that scares me. I realized it when I was complaining about not doing "Christmas things" I associate all of those things (cookie decorating, putting up the lights, decorating the tree...) with my childhood and now that we don't do them anymore I don't have a childhood? I am so confused. There are so many things I haven't done yet, like gone on my first date, had my first kiss or boyfriend...man and this year I'm going to be 16. Bittersweet 16. That scares me so much. All these things are coming and letting me know that I'm growing up and I don't want to. Tiffany asked me if I wanted to take a driver's ED. class, which ment we are going to be driving soon, oh my god. all these things are coming and serioulsy scaring me. This is my last year of being a "kid" I mean next year I'm going to have to be looking for scholarships for collages but I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I have some thoughts, but they are unrealistic the more I think about them. It seemed like everything was easier for my sister because she is older, no one else I know is a younger sister. They are all older or have no other sibilings. It was easier for my sister to go off and do her own thing because there was always me to take care of so my mom still felt like she had a child. Now that I want to grow up and do my own thing I don't know if I want to leave the safety I've always known.

Of course this could just be me being dramatic, but this time I don't think so.

I don't think my mail is ever coming back. I go back to school in 4 days. God, that's scary. I don't want to go back, actually going back might be alright but what I really don't want to do is my presentation. I also know that I have to do one in spanish, she never said when, but she said we would have to be at least 2:30 long. ACK! I hate presentations. My history one is coming along alright. I have most of it done, I just have to make it look all nice and pretty. I'm going to do that now.

Happy New Year everyone! It turns out that we did go shopping on Saturday...in the pouring rain...LoL but it doesn't matter because I love the rain anyways. :D Computer problems are still here and will be here...probably forever, but right now all three are working and I have powerpoint. Although powerpoint did breakdown on me and lost some things I didn't save, I saved enough and not too much was lost. Can't say the same thing about all my mail. My dad and uncle were messing around with the 'puters and deleted AOL because we were planning ot get rid of it soon... :( but they deleted some things that you can't get back anymore like ALL MY MAIL. But my dad's working on trying to salvage what he can of it. I still wanna see "A Walk To Remember"...looks WAAAAAAAAY cheezy....just my type! Plus Shane West has that rugged look to him... :D I so hope it comes out on time and I'm still looking at that book, I think I'm gonna go to a used book store because you can get things waaaaaaaaaay cheap there and they're usually in great condition! so lastly Happy New Year everybody and stay safe!