Why can't I know more scarcastic people? I know I'm a scarcastic person but sometimes I think know people don't get it and they just think i'm making a shallow/bitchy comment. I guess it's just my kind of humor...I get so annoyed sometimes when I have to explain it and they still don't get it, they just think i'm mean. With Carl he know's i'm being scarcastic or stupid and it's funny with him cause he's the same way..I wish I had more friends like him, I can be mean or whatever and either he agrees or knows i'm messing around, and it's totally cool. ...I find alex is like that too, she knows i'm just kidding and has my scarcastic sense of humor. but I think everyone else just thinks i'm mean most of the time. It's just frusterating, I've tried, but I really just can't change that, I will always make sarcastic comments! some of the time tiffany gets it...other times..uh no. and everyone else is just woosh it's way over their heads.

another thing....I feel lonely a lot now...tiff hangs out with her friends...they're kind of my friends too but their mostly hers. and I'm just kinda isolated. benny, charlie, jeff, janice and lilian...and I'm just kinda out...I try hanging out with them, and it's okay, but most of the time if i'm with them for too long, they get too "squeal-y" for me...it's annoying. They're all nice...but i guess I get annoyed easily...they freak about the smallest things...I mean somethings I don't like, but I don't squeal and screech...today I went to the creek clean up they're all squealing and giggling...Maybe I'm just no fun or something...but it somtimes ticks me off.
I hang out with tiff and chrissy during school, but after school I have no one to hang out with, I think that's why I'm a hermit. tiff always talks about how either janice or elisa and lilian and charlie/jeff/benny went out some where or did something. I just like uh huh, it's okay I don't want to barge into everything, but I don't know one time that tiff and I just hung out, not to do errands or something for school. I understand that more and more school is harder and harder...but not once? ...and it was like that a couple of summers ago when I used to "hang out" with carla, qiao, chrissy, janice etc. they all went to hecka movies and not once did I get invited.
So I am a hermit, is that why they don't ask me to go places? well the reason I don't go places is because no one invites me.
so truly what defines a friend?? people who care? How come I can't find more people who are scarcastic like me and have my sense of humor?? I just want to find someone even REMOTELY like me and i'd be thrilled. it just seems impossible. there's been a will yet no way. Even the people I do care about I wonder if I should tell them personal things because they seem to leave things out when talking to me, but not to others. because as of right now I feel like I couldn't tell anyone what I feel, what's happening to me personally and i couldn't cry to anyone. I have a personal connection with no one....maybe the closest would be al. I talked to her during the summer....with tiff there's still a weird barrier there though and I wonder if it will ever go down...i hope it does because if it doesn't i wonder how much longer we will be friends.
I felt left out today, they were all talking about junior prom and stuff and who's going to go with who and stuff...and they said we could go as a group and that's nice and all so i might go...and they were talking about how sometimes it's better to go without a date and all that stuff, but still it's nice to know someone cares about you or at least wanted to ask. ha. i don't think i'll ever know that feeling. that's why i have my doubts...if I go will i have fun? they'll all go and have someone to dance with and stuff, I'll just be sitting there and doing what? sitting. watching other people dance...i'd waste hundreds of dollars on a night of boredom. I might just go to an after party or something. but i guess you'll never know if you don't go and you only get this once. so I don't know yet. i just don't know.

all i want is a friend. is that too much to ask? maybe.