AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.I JUST SPENT ABOUT 20 MINUTE TYPING AND I DIDN'T WANT TO "LOOSE" IT SO I WAS ABOUT TO HIT POST AND PUBLISH, AND THEN I ACCIDENTLY HIT BLOGGER. WHICH TAKES YOU BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE AND LOOSES YOUR POST HERE. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. DARNFRIGGINIT!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! man i was typing like MAD so i had long list and ARUGH.
OKAY ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! its just not the same the second time around. which is why i don't tell many people what i write in here, it comes out once and then stays here and inside my head.

Last night i was totally wired and i have no idea why, I had to get up early this morning at 8:00am for a coast clean-up and so last night at like 12:10AM i went cleanup and go to sleep, but i couldn't my eyes wern't even heavy, usually around that time my eyelids fill like they had 10lbs weights on them, but i couldn't close my eyes! i was just laying in bed staring at the ceiling. but i have two theories 1 I had a full cup of chai tea and milk, i was thinking that chai tea is black tea with spices and black tea has a lot of caffiene so maybe i had too much caffene, because i hadn't had a full cup, its usually half or less. But then again i used to get chai teas from starbucks and it never effected me, and this was only a little bit more than a tall at starbucks, i order coffee and frapps there and the talls still don't effect me, which is why i came up with theory number 2, i was thinking. Not just hm what's 2+2? but I had seen Bend It Like Beckham and i don't know why it was that movie, maybe because it was the first movie i had seen with a bit of a romantic plot in it in a long time, but i just got to thinking about how it would be nice to have a boyfriend etc...and then i was kind of really stuck on that thinking about it all and everything. So i was in my bed at like 12:20AM and i was just laying there, just thinking and I got to thinking about if i had a boyfriend what would he be like and how would it be like to kiss him and how it would be nice just to have someone to call and just talk to about what ever and how it would be like just to hold his hand. and I was just think about that, not really in a negative sense about like i'm sad i don't have one or anything, but i was thinking when would i meet him and how and all, and just in a hopeful manner, and some people say the love being single and all of that, but i'd just like the chance to compare. then I thought about traveling and how i want to go all over the british isles, and right now i'm in this love affair with the british isles and i want to travel there and i'm addicted to bbc america :) and those people seem more laid back and how cool it would be to go over there and see the country side of england and ireland and the highlands in scotland and how i would take so many pictures and i could take artistic ones and i could take normal ones. and then i got to thinking about taking pictures and how i could use my mom's camara because it's not autofocus so you can fix it so you can make things purposely blurry and she's also got a telephoto lens and that would be so cool, and then I was thinking about how it would be cool to have a photography class because i'd really like to know how, and then hm. mental note, ask ms. brown if she knows anything about photography. and then i was staring at my WHITE ceiling in the dark and then i was like how cool would it be to paint my room and then i was thinking of which colors i could do it in and then i was like i should have some writing on it...in GLOW IN THE DARK PAINT, so every night before i go to sleep i could read it and have great thoughts, but a really good one hasn't come up yet. so i'm still thinkin' but then i was like hm, which movie posters should i put up? and then i did decide on "notting hill" "all lord of the rings" "bend it like beckham" and then just some random things, maybe one for the sharks and one for the maple leafs...and then I was like hm...so i was talking to my mom about this today and she said i actually could, but i'd have to totally clean out my room, (which for future reference is a HUGE JOB and probably not because next time i read this i'm probabily not going to be any tidier than i am now) but i was totall shell shocked that she said i could do something like that because every house i've lived in, whichis only two, but none of the rooms at all have every had paint on the walls besides white, and then i thought it was because my parents didn't like it but i guess i'd be okay to do that so that's something else to think about :) so mom's cool when she not touching/throwing out/cutting up my POSESSIONS. and then i got to thinking about traveling again and love....things kinda cycled around a bit until 1:30AM when i forced myself to shut my eyes and go to sleep but i probably could have gone until 2:30 maybe even three!
I think this was really healthy for me, because the past weeks maybe even months i've felt a bit "off" some days more than others, but off none the less, i didn't feel like my old self and i didn't like it, i thought maybe it was a bit of depression, but then i was like what do i have do be depressed about? i have a great family and friends? and then i was like maybe its the other love....? probably. and i had't really figured it out, but now i'm thinking maybe its because I hadn't had time for myself. I've sort of had time to myself, i'm on the computer and all, but i'm always thinking about something else something i'm posting on the message boards, what ever i'm talking about with alex or what not. but last night was all about me. that may sound selfish, and it probably is, but it was. it was all the stuff on my "back burner" that had almost dissapeared, and if it had, i don't know what i would have done. I think all the stuff on that back burner is all the stuff about me. all the stuff that i want to do. and really that's what i thought about last night, i want to get a boyfriend, i want to do photography, i want to paint my room. simple things i really had to get it all out, it hadn't gotten out in 2 months since that's that last time i had a day off of school besides weekends and almost every weekend since then, i've had something to do, tons of homework, carwashes, events, the SAT's and all that junk. i hadn't had time to meditate really and that may sound weird, but i don't meditate in the normal fashion and in chanting, insense, crossing your legs funny and all that stuff. i've tried to relieve stress, but it just didn't work, i couldn't i tried breathing it just didn't work, i'm one of thoes people who's minds never stop. but by the dictionary definition "1. emptying or concentration of the mind: the emptying of the mind of thoughts, or concentration of the mind on just one thing, in order to aid mental or spiritual development, contemplation, or relaxation" i was emptying the mind of my thought, all the thoughts that were crammed up in there and causing headaches, not cause they were bad thoughts, just because they never had the chance to get out, i never had the time to think of them out loud like last night because i was alway thinking about something else, filling out a form passing the chem test, passing the pre-cal, state wide tests, passing the history midterm etc. i just do homework watch some tv and then sleep. i really didn't have time. until last night. last theory on why i didn't go to sleep. maybe because my head couldn't take it any more. it said we need to get these thoughts out and now. you need to stop thinking about everything else and thing about these comforting things for 90 minutes. and I did and it was wonderful I was just thinking about random things and none of it negative, it was all just hopeful things i want to do and things that are actually achieveable and i felt really comforted. it was like waking up from a really great dream and i hadn't felt like that in a while. I think waking up from a good dream and waking up from a bad dream can have the same opposite effects. i mean that like in the best dream i ever had, i think it was i was laying in bed next to boyfriend and we were just laying there and it was late morning and the sun was coming in my room and it was the same as my room, but there was no house next door, it was just rolling sunny hills i think we were in the british isles and the warmth of the sun was just beginning to warm me and that was it when i woke up i didn't really want to, but when i did come back to reality i felt so good when i woke up, it was like i could fly. but one dream everything when wrong i forgot everything and was late to everything, i woke up and i had a headache and i guess since that one i've had most of them like that, but they've all been bad so i've just gotten used to it. but that's why i needed that 90 minutes. I think it also has to be the right conditions, it can't be when everyone else i awake and walking around ready to come in. i think it has to be one of two conditions, at night right before you go to sleep so you just lay in bed, or when you're on a walk somewhere and then staring at something or just thinking as you go along. I've been trying for a REALLY long time to think about what to do when i feel stressed. and I was thinking it was some kind of activity, like some people read, some go to the gym and work out some people do more work and i think i've finally found it, just to think about me and all the good things i want to do.